POO DOCS

Life With Kermie

25 June

Life With Kermie

There is only one way to put this. This past week, my life has been full of - well - shit! Not in the way you may be thinking though. This has been of the natural kind.

You see, we've been waiting to have a toilet installed for some time now. A proper one that is. We must've had one of the last remaining Dunny's-Out-The-Back in all of Hooterville. Not that this ever worried me or our three boys - there was always a tree at hand. In fact I've quite enjoyed the old dunny over the years. I could leave the door wide open and gaze out at the scenery without worry of being 'invaded', and let my thoughts wander wherever they might take me. Some of my best stories have come from sitting there in companionable solitude. It was always a good talking point with the 'slickers' who came to visit as well.

My Rita, bless her heart, has put up with this without complaint for the five years we've been together, through fair weather and foul. My old mum though, who lives smack-bang next door is not so forgiving.

"When are you going to put in a decent toilet for Rita?" has been the rejoinder for quite some time. Mum's 84, nearly blind and 5 foot tall on a dry day - but she's still scary when needs be. She wasn't worried about the men but Rita is a different kettle of fish. At least I know where I stand in mum's pecking order.

There must be a dozen or more plumbers in this town and it took weeks to find one who: 1 - was willing to do the job, 2 - quoted a price that was in the realm of fiscal achievability and 3 - could do the work in under 3 months.

Ollie turned up at 7.30am on Thursday in his truck, beautifully sign-written with his moniker, 'Your Shit is My Bread & Butter' and the very apt number-plate, 'POODOC'. Together with Paul, his apprentice and Billy, a master-craftsman with his trencher, the toilet was fitted, 40 metres of trench dug, pipe laid and all filled in by 12.15. I love professionals!

The timing was perfect too, because the next morning I had an appointment with another type of Poo Doc - the one who sticks a camera up your bum. This meant taking the dreaded Pic-a-Prep from 2 o'clock, Thursday. I wonder if that stuff will clean chrome as well as it does your guts? From 4pm and for the next ten hours that new dunny got an initiation from hell - and I didn't have to run outdoors through the rain once!

Toilet humour aside, the fact is that the nature of the transport industry means too much time sitting on our bums. How many of you have thought about a colonoscopy? If you're over 50 it is essential that you get checked out every 2/3 years. If bowel or prostate cancer runs in the family, as it does in mine, then start younger. I'm amazed at the big, burly blokes I've met who put their heads in the sand when it comes to their backsides. I guarantee you won't feel a thing thanks to the anaesthetist. Even better the cost is fully covered by Medicare.

Embarrassing? Maybe. Potentially life-saving? You betcha! Ladies; if your bloke won't do it or keeps putting it off, give 'em a good kick up the bum and book them in.

Take care of Yours!

'Doc' Kermie

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